How to Talk to a Person With Autism Who Seems to Ignore You

If you tried to talk to our son, you might find that he would avoid eye contact and probably would hum while you spoke. I suspect that our son is not unique in this. In fact, there is a young man in our church who is very similar. What should you do if you find yourself in such a situation? Here are some pointers.

• Don't force them to give you eye contact. Parents might do this on occasion, but there usually is a reason why they are avoiding eye contact. You might find that if you don't push the issue that they might give you more eye contact as they get to know you more.
• Don't raise your voice. Unless there are additional hearing deficits, yelling will make them less likely to listen to you.
• Just because they seem to be ignoring you, don't assume that they are not listening.
• Talk to the person with autism and not the person with them. Address them directly.
• If they don't answer a question, don't keep repeating it.
• Look at them directly and smile.
• Don't speak to them like they are a little child (unless they are a little child). Many people with autism who are nonverbal have normal or above normal intelligence. Do not judge their intellect by their communication difficulties.
• Don't give up, no matter how much they may seem to ignore you. Greet them with the same enthusiasm every time you see them. It really matters.

I'm Not Unfriendly, I Have Autism

I can only speak for myself, although I have heard of similar stories from other people with autism. I can sometimes come across as unfriendly. I seem eager to end the conversation and move on. Why don't I like people?

I like people just fine and I'm not unfriendly. What is difficult for me is chit chat. It is hard for me to understand the point of talking just for the sake of talking. I will respond but I can't keep up chit chat for too long.

But wasn't I a pastor?

Yes I was a pastor and I spent a lot of time talking to people. I hope I never made anyone feel uncomfortable. I am happy to talk to people within a pastoral context. There is a reason for such conversations and there is a topic to discuss. Even if the person just wants to get to know me, I am happy to talk about my family.

But when it comes to light conversation about nothing in particular, I am going to struggle. Please don't feel that I don't like you. It is just the way I am wired.

Nonverbal Does Not Mean Unintelligent

People say that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. But we do it all the time. This includes how we look at people with autism.

Two of our children with autism are considered nonverbal. If you met our son, you would probably consider him low functioning. He doesn't talk (much). He hums and moans and makes weird sounds. We have heard a number of times of people who should know better who think that he is unintelligent.

It just isn't true.

Our son is very intelligent. He taught himself a song on the piano without a lesson or even the encouragement to play. He can read, in fact when we play a CD, he pulls out the lyrics to read along. Put him in front of a computer and he can navigate the internet no problem.

There has been some research done in this area. You can find the article here. The main point is that we should not be making assumptions about people with autism or anyone else.

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How to Talk to a Nonverbal Child

Some people who have autism are able to communicate clearly, even if they had early delays in speaking. Other people are what is called nonverbal. Our two children with autism are nonverbal.

What Does Nonverbal Mean?

It would be easy to assume that nonverbal means that a person is unable to speak. That is not exactly correct.

Our daughter has pretty severe language limitations. Even so, when she is hungry she can say, "Toast please," or request, "Juice." She is able to say a few other things that she has learned by rote.

Our son is different. If you met him, you would understand why he is considered nonverbal. What you would not realize is that he is actually able to speak clearly if he chooses to. This most often happens when he is angry or sad. However, he generally does not communicate with verbal language.

How to Connect With Nonverbal Children

So how can you communicate with a child who is either unable or unwilling to speak. Although we have discovered ways to connect with our children, I think it is better to share from someone else's experience. Here is an article by Lois Prislovsky on how to connect. There are some very useful suggestions.

What I really want you to get is, it is possible.

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