The Guilt of Relief

For some families, it is possible to care for their children with autism at home with just some additional support. In other cases, the behaviours that go along with autism make such a situation impossible and there is a need to send the child to a group home.

The second scenario is our story. Twice.

Both our daughter and son ended up going into a group home, although not at the same time. Thankfully, they are now together in the same group home.

My purpose for this post is to share some insight into just one aspect of this difficult situation. There is an immediate sense of guilt when the decision is made and the child leaves the home for the first time. But there is another type of guilt that comes some time later. The family eventually feels some relief with the child out of the home.

Life becomes less hectic. The house becomes less damaged. The nights become less sleepless.

Although all of this is good, it brings its own type of guilt. Is a parent a bad person for feeling the relief of the child not being there? Whatever the answer to that question, the guilt will be there.

If you desire to support a family with autism and they have a child (or two) who leave for a group home, be aware of this dynamic. They will need you love and lack of judgment.

What a Visit With Our Children With Autism Looks Like

We have two children with autism, both on the severe side, both considered nonverbal. They live in a group home together with two other children. We try to have them over for a visit every week.

This is what an average visit looks like.

• I show up at the group home. Abby is usually watching out the window beside the door and so she sees me right away. She grins and does wild hand gestures. Logan hugs me and says, "Hi Dad."
• We get into the car and Logan says to me, "Turn up music please." He doesn't seem to care what kind of music, but when I am driving it is classic rock.
• We arrive home and Logan and Abby run into the house. I am working on getting them to close the car doors first. It is coming along.
• They immediately head for the television. We have often watched DVDs but Abby has been frequently changing movies soon after they start and so we have switched to Netflix.
• We then sit down to a Veggie Tales marathon. Our three younger children claim they hate Veggies Tales, as they are too old for that now, but they are glued to the screen while Logan and Abby are here.
• There are frequent interceptions of mostly Abby (but sometimes Logan) as they try to find food in the kitchen. Neither of them ever feel full so we have to be careful and only do controlled snacks.
• Logan grabs his superhero books and reads them while watching TV.
• Abby starts grabbing toys, books, DVDs and anything else to create a display on top of Faith's bed.
• There is a lot of hugging, laughing and smiling.
• Both Logan and Abby tell me, "No thank you!" when I try to sing.
• Then they get picked up to go back to their group home. But not before we get a hug and kiss from our children.

That is what a typical visit looks like and it always gives us great joy.

Parents, Children and Group Homes

For some parents with children with autism, it is feasible to keep their children in their home well into adulthood. It is fantastic when that happens but it is not the story for all families.

It is not the story for our family.

In some cases, the situation calls for the child to go into a group home. It is not an easy decision, but it is sometimes needed. How do parents who have children in group homes feel about this?

I have not done research into the experiences of other parents, I can only speak of what we went through. Here are five things that we felt during and after the process of having two of our children move into group homes:

1. Desperation. This decision does not come up without a lot of pain beforehand. This does not emerge out of hope of becoming early empty nesters. The situation has to get very bad before parents send their children to a group home.

2. Guilt. Even though logically it seems clear that the child can be better cared for in a group home, the heart does not embrace the decision so easily. Parents can feel like they have betrayed their child. Dropping the child off at the group home for the first time is a heart wrenching experience.

3. Relief. After months or years of dealing with crisis after crisis, there is a sense of relief. Things are not getting broken. Children are not running away or getting physical with other siblings. For the first time in a long time there is a sense of peace.

4. Guilt Again. At first that relief is very nice. But then parents can feel guilty that they are appreciating the relief. Are the parents just being selfish by having the child outside the home? It takes awhile to overcome these feelings.

5. Healing. It is a terrible situation to have to send a (or more than one) child into group home. But over time something good emerges. It is possible to just enjoy your child. There is no resentment about the damage being done to the home or the family. The visits become a wonderful time of enjoying each other. Even if there are some difficult behaviours, they can be endured because they will go back to the group home. Our experience is that we get the best behaviour from our children during their visits.