4 Things Not to Say to a Parent When a Child is Diagnosed With Autism

No matter what a person thinks of neuro-diversity and the positive aspects of autism, it is always difficult when a child receives a diagnosis of autism. There are a thousand things going through the parent's mind. It is natural for family and friends to want to encourage and comfort the parent.

Sometimes it is better to say nothing rather than to say the wrong thing. Here are four things that you should not say. These are things that have been said to us.

1. "God knew you were such great parents that he chose to give you a child with autism."
2. "Don't listen to the doctor, your child doesn't have autism. They are just a late-bloomer."
3. "Autism is not that bad. I know a family..."
4. "At least it is autism and not some terminal illness."

Don't try to explain why the child has autism. Just be there for them and let them express their feelings the way they need to.

5 Things To Do When a Child With Autism Makes Noise in Church

Children with autism are known for making noise in church. Sometimes they say what some adults want to say. One Sunday, our son said with a fairly loud voice during the service, "Just kill me now!" In case you are wondering, I wasn't preaching at the time.

You need to realize that parents are very aware of the noise their children make and it is always easier to just stay at home rather than to risk uncomfortable situations. How people in the church react will determine if those parents will ever return to the church.

Here are five things to do when a child with autism makes noise in church.

1. Do not allow yourself to give the parents a dirty look. They know their child made the noise. Your dirty look will not help the situation and will likely make it worse.

2. If you do look at the parents during the noise, look at them with a smiling and caring face.

3. Say a prayer for the family. Not a prayer for the child to shut up but a prayer for calmness and peace for both the parents and the child.

4. Give thanks to God that a family with autism has been willing to come to your church.

5. Make a note to talk to the parents after church and tell them that you are glad they are a part of your church family.

Coping With Autism and Puberty

While we often hear about the people with autism who are the mild end of the spectrum, there are people who are on the more severe end.

This video is a good picture of what it is like to have children on the severe end. These two boys are very much like my own two children. I encourage you to watch this video.

What If Your Church Can't Start a Disability Ministry?

There are some large churches that have very organized and well staffed disability ministries. They have a sizeable budget and may have a specific pastor or other staff member overseeing it. These are the ministries that we often hear about.

But what if you are at church like mine? We are a small church with one pastor and not enough resources to have a specific disability ministry. We have two people with autism in our congregation and it would be difficult to build a ministry around them, especially since once is a child and the other an adult.

I want you to hear this one thing:

YOU DO NOT NEED A DISABILITY MINISTRY TO MINISTER TO THOSE WITH DISABILITIES!

Think about it this way. Our church does not have a specific men's ministry and yet we minister to the men in our congregation. Ministry does not have to mean separating one group away from the others. We minister to the men, the same way we minister to everyone in the congregation.

The same is true for those with disabilities. I care for the people in our congregation with autism, not because they have autism, but because they are a part of our church family.

Now I understand that disabilities can produce some unique challenges. Physical disabilities are accommodated by making the building wheel chair accessible and having elevators. Developmental disabilities will need their own accommodations.

I will not go into details about how exactly to do that, as there are many posts on this blog, as well as my book, How to Make Your Church-Autism Friendly, which give practical tips.

The main thing is that a church not turn away a person with a disability just because they don't have a disability ministry. We would not turn away men because we don't have a men's ministry. You minister to people with disabilities the same way you minister to anyone, by loving them, treating them with respect and pointing them to Jesus.

Good News: Love My Kids

Since my main website is down again, I will write my Good News post here. I do a weekly Good News post on my blog as a way of trying to stay positive.

This past week, we had our two children with autism come for a visit. It was nice in that our other three children were away at camp and so things were a bit quieter in the house. It is difficult having our children living in a different city but there are good things. We get to see them regularly and the overnight visits are going very well. Our relationship with them is much better now than it was when they lived with us. We can enjoy them without all of the daily stress that comes with autism.

We have a lot of fun with our children and that is good news.

Enjoying some Mac & Cheese together!

In This video, my daughter shares her opinion of my singing.

The Hardest Thing About Autism

I want to make it clear that what I'm about to say is my experience and is not meant to describe the experience of any other autism parent.

I understand that there is pressure from within the autism community to not see or speak of autism in a negative way. I hear those concerns, especially from those who are on the milder end of the spectrum.

Having said that, I have two children with autism, aged 13 and 15. Since they were diagnosed at an early age, autism has been a part of our life for a long time. We have had a lot of great times and a lot of difficult times.

Being scared of them running off, destroying property and hurting siblings has all been difficult. But there is something else that is harder for me.

It happens when I meet children the same age as my children and realize how far away they are from "normal." I know that I'm not even supposed to speak like that, but I don't know how else to describe it. These children have friends, get part-time jobs, prepare to get their driver's license, think about what they will do for a career and so on.

Our children are both nonverbal and I would love to be able to have a normal conversation with them. The autism affects their behaviours in such a way that they live in a group home and not with us. Other parents take for granted these simple things that they can enjoy. But for parents with children on the severe end of the spectrum, this is a daily grief.

I do not resent other children who are not affected by autism the way our children are. But it is a difficult reminder of hopes and dreams that ended with a diagnosis.

Top 10 Famous People with Autism